When Work Hurts: Naming What Happens When Boundaries Aren’t Respected

Sometimes, after working closely with someone who feels impossible to please, control, or understand, it’s natural to feel confused, hurt, and uncertain about your own reactions. You might find yourself describing them as unpredictable, manipulative, or cold — and quietly wondering if you could have handled things differently.

We often hear that “good boundaries” are the key to protecting ourselves from harm. But what happens when your boundaries are clear — and the other person simply doesn’t respect them? When your “no” is ignored, your words twisted, or your perception questioned?

This isn’t always about a lack of skill or assertiveness. Some people operate in ways that make connection, empathy, or mutual respect almost impossible. They may seem charming and confident on the surface, but their behaviour can leave you feeling drained, destabilised, or even traumatised.

David Gillespie’s interview on psychopaths in the workplace (available on ABC’s The Signal) speaks directly to this experience. He sheds light on personalities shaped in ways that limit empathy, accountability, and relational attunement — and makes clear that the harm caused is not your fault.

What can be just as painful is realising that the organisation might see what’s happening — and still do nothing. Even when concerns are raised bravely and clearly, the response can be minimising, dismissive, or focused on maintaining surface harmony. Toxic behaviour may be dismissed as a “personality clash,” or the attention might shift to your mental health, “resilience,” or tone — as if your pain is the problem, rather than the pattern.

This is a form of systemic neglect. It can leave you feeling invisible, gaslit, or isolated — especially when others around you remain silent or avoid naming the problem. Accepting that no one in authority will step in or set boundaries can bring a deep sense of disappointment, grief, or disillusionment.

But this awareness can also be a turning point: when you stop waiting for the system to protect you, you can start offering that protection to yourself. You can begin to tend to the parts of you that feel overwhelmed, unseen, or alone — and from there, new possibilities can emerge.

You probably don’t need help noticing the impact — it’s already alive in your body and your thoughts. What can begin to shift things is how you respond inwardly: turning toward yourself with the care, steadiness, and clarity the system around you hasn’t provided.

What You Can Do (When You Can’t Change Them)

Accepting that you can’t fix the dynamic is often the hardest step. You might not be able to reason with them, appeal to fairness, or “make it work.” But you can change how you care for yourself within this reality.

Here are some practices that can support you:

• Adjust your expectations. Let go of hoping they’ll change or act reasonably. This is not giving up — it’s reclaiming your energy from a cycle that keeps you stuck.

• Protect your energy, not just your time. Notice how you feel around them and limit your exposure when possible. Prioritising your nervous system’s wellbeing is essential.

• Use your leave days. Rest and recover outside of work — not because you’re weak, but because you’re absorbing impacts others don’t see.

• Fill up on what’s real and nourishing. Spend time with people and activities that remind you who you are and bring warmth and truth.

• Don’t go it alone. Reach out — to a trusted friend, therapist, or someone who sees you clearly and validates your experience.

A Resource That Might Help

David Gillespie’s interview on ABC’s The Signal gives voice to experiences that can be hard to name. Hearing someone say, “This isn’t about you,” can be incredibly freeing.

David Gillespie on Psychopaths in the Workplace

If someone at work leaves you doubting yourself, it’s okay to stop trying to make sense of them — and instead turn your attention to yourself. Your clarity, your energy, your wellbeing matter. You’re not imagining it. You’re not too sensitive. You’re responding to something very real.

Finding Your Way Home

If you’re making sense of an experience that left you doubting what you knew to be true, you’re not imagining it. And you’re not too sensitive. You’re responding to something real.

There’s something steadying in beginning to trust your perception again — to honour what you’ve sensed all along, and to stand gently but firmly in that knowing.

There’s power in standing with what you know to be true — and if you’d like support in that process, I’m here.

— Janet Irwin, RN Psychotherapist